“What do you want?”
It sounds like such a simple question.
And then your mind goes completely blank.
“I don’t know.”
Or maybe you do know, but saying it out loud feels incredibly vulnerable. What if your spouse thinks it’s weird? What if they say no? What if you ask for something and then discover you don’t actually like it? What if they think what you’ve been doing all these years hasn’t been good enough?
So instead of saying what we want, we hope our spouse figures it out.
Then we get frustrated when they don’t.
Learning to talk about what you want physically can feel awkward, especially if you haven’t done much of it before. But your spouse cannot read your body or your mind. Great intimacy isn’t created by two people magically knowing exactly what the other person wants. It’s created by two people becoming willing to know themselves, communicate and stay curious together.
And yes, sometimes that means saying, “Can you do that a little slower?”
You Don’t Need to Know Exactly What You Want
One reason people struggle to ask for what they want is because they think they should already know.
“What do you like?”
“I should know this. We’ve been married for fifteen years.”
Nope.
Sexuality isn’t a test you were supposed to study for. What feels good can change with age, stress, hormones, your relationship, your body and even the particular day you’re having. Something you loved five years ago might not be what you want now. Something that didn’t interest you before might suddenly sound fun.
Instead of thinking, “I should know what I like,” try, “I wonder what I like?”
That tiny shift moves you from performance into curiosity.
Start With What You Notice
You don’t have to create a detailed list of sexual preferences before you can communicate better.
Start with what you notice while something is happening.
“That feels really good.”
“Stay there.”
“A little slower.”
“I like when you kiss me like that.”
“Can you move your hand up?”
“I want more pressure.”
“I don’t think I want that tonight.”
Those are all forms of sexual communication.
Sometimes we imagine that talking about sex requires a serious sit-down conversation outside the bedroom. Those conversations can be helpful, but some of the best communication happens right in the moment when your body is giving you information.
You notice. You share. Your spouse learns.
That’s intimacy.
Direction Isn’t Criticism
This is a big one.
Sometimes we don’t tell our spouse what we want because we’re afraid they’ll hear it as, “You’re doing it wrong.”
And sometimes they do hear it that way.
“Could you go slower?”
“Oh. I thought you liked this.”
Now the person who made the request immediately starts reassuring them. “No, no, it’s fine. Forget it.”
And there goes the honest communication.
A request for something different doesn’t have to mean what was happening before was bad. Bodies change. Arousal changes. What feels good five minutes ago may not be what feels good now.
Try hearing direction as information instead of correction.
Your spouse saying, “A little softer,” is giving you access to their experience. That’s incredibly useful information if your goal is connection rather than performance.
DIRECTION ISN’T CRITICISM.
IT’S INFORMATION.
Your spouse telling you what feels good is an invitation to know them better.
Stop Trying to Get It “Right”
Performance makes sexual communication really difficult.
If your goal is to be a great lover who always knows exactly what your spouse wants, feedback feels threatening. You need to be right.
Curiosity creates a completely different experience.
Instead of thinking, “Am I doing this correctly?” you can wonder, “What are we discovering?”
Now your spouse can say, “Not that,” without you collapsing. You can try something and laugh because it absolutely did not work. You can change your mind. You can ask a question without feeling like you’ve failed.
Sex becomes something you create together instead of something one person performs correctly for the other.
This is one reason I talk so much about moving from thinking during sex to actually feeling what is happening. If you’re constantly monitoring your performance or your spouse’s reaction, it’s hard to notice your own experience.
Internal link: Link “thinking during sex to actually feeling what is happening” to Thinking During Sex vs. Feeling During Sex: How to Get Out of Your Head.
Tell Your Spouse What You Want, Not Just What You Don’t Want
Imagine your spouse is touching you and you say, “Not like that.”
Okay.
Now what?
Your spouse may stop, but they still don’t know what you do want. This is where sexual communication can start feeling like a guessing game.
When you can, add some direction.
“Not quite that hard. Softer feels better.”
“I don’t want intercourse tonight, but I’d love to make out.”
“I’m not in the mood for that, but a back rub sounds amazing.”
“I don’t want to be touched there right now. Kiss me instead.”
Knowing what you don’t want is valuable information. A clear no is enough and does not require an alternative. But when you do know what you would prefer, sharing it gives your spouse somewhere to go with you.
Your Spouse Is Allowed to Say No to What You Want
This is where asking can feel vulnerable.
If I tell you what I want, you might not want it too.
That possibility can keep couples silent for years.
But asking for something is not the same as requiring it.
“I’d love to try this. Would you be interested?”
“I've been thinking about this. What do you think?”
“Would it sound fun to you if we…?”
Now you’re making an invitation.
Your spouse gets to be curious, enthusiastic, unsure or uninterested. Their response doesn’t make your desire wrong, and your desire doesn’t obligate them to participate.
When both people know they are allowed to answer honestly, talking about sex becomes much safer.
You Are Allowed to Change Your Mind Too
Sometimes people are afraid to express curiosity because they think asking for something commits them to it.
It doesn’t.
You can say, “I think I’d like to try that,” and then discover halfway through that you don’t.
You can think something sounds exciting in your imagination and realize your body has a completely different opinion.
You can say yes and then say, “Actually, I want to stop.”
You can also say, “I’m not sure yet. Can we go slowly?”
Changing your mind isn’t failure. It’s information.
Curiosity works much better when you know you aren’t trapped by your first answer.
Don’t Wait for Your Spouse to Discover You
There can be something romantic about the idea that your spouse should just know.
If they really knew me, they’d know what I like.
If they were really attracted to me, they’d know how to touch me.
If they cared enough, I wouldn’t have to ask.
That sounds romantic until you realize you’ve given your spouse an impossible job.
You are changing. Your body is changing. Your preferences may be changing. Your spouse is changing too.
Being known isn’t passive. You participate in being known.
If you discover something about yourself, bring your spouse into the discovery.
“I realized I really like when…”
“I think anticipation is a bigger part of desire for me than I realized.”
“I noticed I relax much more when we…”
“I think I want more time kissing before we do anything else.”
Those conversations aren’t evidence that your spouse failed to know you. They’re how your spouse continues knowing you.
Responsive Desire Can Make “What Do You Want?” Hard to Answer
If you experience responsive desire, your honest answer at the beginning of an intimate experience may actually be, “I don’t know yet.”
That is a perfectly useful answer.
You may need something to respond to before you know what sounds good. A kiss might wake something up. Touch might help you notice what your body wants. Playfulness might shift your energy.
Instead of requiring yourself to know the entire plan beforehand, you can communicate where you are right now.
“I don’t know what I want yet, but I’m open to kissing.”
“I’d love to cuddle and see how I feel.”
“I’m not feeling sexual yet, but I’m interested in being close.”
Now you’re participating without pretending to feel something you don’t.
This is where the Party Planner and Invitee framework can help too. The Party Planner may already have seventeen ideas for tonight’s party. The Invitee may have just discovered there’s a party.
Give the Invitee a minute.
Talk About Sex When You Aren’t Having Sex Too
Not every sexual conversation needs to happen naked.
Sometimes it’s easier to talk while you’re driving, taking a walk or sitting together after dinner. There’s less pressure because nobody has to immediately do anything with the information.
You could ask, “What have we done lately that you really enjoyed?” Or, “Is there anything you’d like more of?” Or, “Is there something we haven't done in a while that you miss?”
Notice that these questions aren’t evaluations.
You’re not asking, “Are you satisfied with our sex life?” and waiting nervously for your grade.
You’re learning about each other.
And if these conversations tend to become defensive or emotional, slow down. The goal isn’t to solve your entire sexual relationship in one night. Choose one thing to understand.
Try “More, Less, Different”
If you’re not used to talking about sex, here’s a simple way to begin.
Ask each other three questions:
What would you like more of?
What would you like less of?
What would you like to try differently?
You don’t need ten answers. One answer to each question is plenty.
Maybe you want more kissing, less rushing and a different way of initiating. Maybe your spouse wants more flirting during the day, less pressure to know exactly what they want and more time to warm up.
Great.
Now you know more than you did before.
The goal isn’t to create the perfect sexual plan. It’s to practice letting yourselves be known.
Make Room for Play
Some of the awkwardness around talking about sex comes from how serious we make everything.
Every conversation feels significant. Every suggestion feels like it means something about the marriage. Every awkward moment becomes evidence.
“What if we tried this?”
“That did not work.”
“Okay, definitely not doing that again.”
“That was surprisingly fun.”
You are allowed to laugh during sex. You are allowed to experiment. You are allowed to be beginners at something together.
I call this creating an Adult Playground because I want couples to move away from the idea that intimacy is a performance with a correct outcome. A playground is somewhere you explore, try things, notice what you like and change direction.
Curiosity makes awkwardness much less threatening.
Questions to Think About
How comfortable am I telling my spouse what feels good?
Do I expect my spouse to know what I want without telling them?
Do I hear my spouse’s direction as information or criticism?
What am I afraid might happen if I ask for something sexually?
Do I know what I enjoy, or am I mostly focused on my spouse’s experience?
What would I like more of?
What would I like less of?
Is there anything I’m curious about trying differently?
Can I ask for what I want while still allowing my spouse to say no?
Can I change my mind without feeling like I’ve done something wrong?
What would make talking about sex feel more playful and less like an evaluation?
You Don’t Have to Be Good at This Yet
If you’ve been married for twenty years and have barely talked about what you want sexually, your first conversation may feel awkward.
Have it anyway.
You might stumble over your words. Your spouse might blush. One of you might laugh because you have no idea how to say what you’re trying to say.
That’s okay.
Awkwardness isn’t a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes awkwardness simply means you’re doing something new.
You don’t need perfect sexual communication. You need enough honesty to let your spouse know you and enough curiosity to keep discovering each other.
Tell them what feels good. Ask for something. Say no when you mean no. Say yes when you mean yes. Say “I don't know yet” when that’s the truth.
Then keep paying attention.
You might be surprised by how much more intimate sex feels when neither of you has to guess.
Want Help Talking About What You Actually Want?
If you and your spouse struggle to talk about sex without someone shutting down, getting defensive or feeling criticized, you don't have to figure it out by yourselves.
In coaching, we can slow down the patterns that make these conversations difficult and help both of you become more honest about desire, pleasure, boundaries and what you actually want from your intimate relationship.
I'm not interested in giving you a list of things you should be doing in bed. I want to help you create enough honesty, curiosity and safety that the two of you can discover what belongs in your intimate relationship.
Schedule a Coaching Call With Tammy →
About Tammy
Tammy Camp is a Marriage & Intimacy Coach who helps individuals and couples build deeper connection through honest communication, play, curiosity and practical tools for intimacy. She believes love is worth choosing every day and that great intimacy isn't about performing for each other. It's about learning how to truly know and choose each other.
